literatureandwisdom:
I guess that I can’t really describe the sort of world I’m living in. I crave things. I want things I can’t have and there is nothing in front of me to be ungrateful of. I am grateful for so many of the things given to me, but still I want more and more and I suck the potential out of every situation because I am constantly searching for another story. All of my best stories have stemmed from real events because people can feel the energy seeping from every word; the memories practically strangle the readers.
Here’s a memory for you kids:
I remember the way you felt. Your skin has tiny bumps, sitting next to hairs and freckles. I feel them now as I think back. I memorized every part of your body that I could, even the parts I didn’t like. I know how your skin molds to my touch, how you shiver at a kiss. And your lips are so soft, with teeth and breath backing them. I know that tongue, don’t want to, it is a slimy intrusion.
Your toes touch my calf, your hand feels the scars on my side. You run a finger around my waist and I let out a sigh because maybe this is what it feels like to be a woman, to be loved. Yet, I know what comes next and I dread it like a bad smell, my nose crinkling at the thought of pain that seems to pleasure you. I can’t do this much longer, play like everything you’re doing is just fine because it’s eating at me and you’re able to shrug it off when I say oh, i’m great. You know somethings wrong and still your fingers with fingernails too short from days spent biting them off move downward and I am angry now, but I don’t show it.
This isn’t one memory, its too many. Too many nights compiled into a single hatred for the religion that tore me from you and stole any sense I had. You caused me to step back and break the chains that held me too tightly, to see that I could do this on my own. Still, the pain we both caused and endured like it was something we had to carry, it broke us both.
Now I think back to the memory, the whole idea of foreplay and the two of us on a beanbag or a couch and I don’t like it. I can think of a man doing that to me now and I feel excitement, but back then I would have cried. Cried because I knew that if that happened, I would burn.